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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Monkey Mind

Cancer is back on my mind, figuratively and perhaps literally.

Not that it ever leaves my mind for very long. But at my last neuro appointment two months ago, they told me there was a spot. They said that it could merely be one of those oddities that appears depending on how the MRI ‘slices’ you for imaging. But at my last chemo appointment three weeks ago, I was told there was a small (tiny, little, wee, barely perceptible) growth in two areas. I looked at the scans and, sure enough, the tumors looked puffy – like my fingers after a salt binge. She made some small adjustments to my chemo drug line-up and I didn’t really think much of it.
But I had another brain scan last Friday. Usually if there’s no problem, they call me in a day or two and tell me that I don't have to come in. 

The haven't called me.

So I’m starting my mental slog back into the cancer black hole. Like directly after my diagnosis, I’m living in a cancer-colored world. It’s all cancer and brain metastases.
I’ve gone so far as to start looking a 2nd line treatments and investigating whole brain radiation (which, by the way, is completely and utterly unappealing).

Oh, and I’m hyper-vigilant about my cell phone thinking at it very loudly, “CALL!! Damn you. CALLLLLLL!! You stupid, overworked neurosurgeon!!!”
It’s getting really weird on a whole new level. I was sitting here eating dates and I caught myself thinking, “Hmmm. I wonder if there’s stuff in dates that can cure brain metastases.”

Possible brain metastasis aside, having cancer is hell on your mental health.


  1. Someone recently said, Cancer robs one of peace of mind. I wholeheartily agree. And what is with the common theme of brain metastisis lately. Thats all I hear. Just had cyberknife a second time for progression. My neurosurgeon is brilliant, but a complete prima donna. There I said it! Praying that the Prince of Peace gives us all peace.

  2. Thanks for this. I've noticed the same thing - all these brain metastases. I hope your 2nd cyberknife went well and more importantly, worked! Peace out! (a-hyl).

  3. Ruth my heart goes out to you. Facing simply my 12 month follow up scan after lung cancer surgery, scanxiety is in control of my mental health. Every little thing suddenly whispers metastasis.

    1. You are so right, Patrick - and thanks. I appreciate the support! Hope you continue to be well.