Last week, I had my post-radiation, post-scan doctor’s
appointment to find out if radiation worked. I had also been experiencing some
new symptoms in my spine and sacrum, so these were also being examined.
I was feeling, at least in regards to the brain radiation,
pretty optimistic. I figured that the radiation would work with little trouble,
as that has been the pattern for radiation and me.
Instead, we found that as fast as the radiation was working
(killing tumors) it was also growing more (tumors) so much so, that the brain
scan pretty much looked the same.
In addition, there is more tumor activity in the lungs
(accompanied by a dry, loud, persistent cough which everyone kept tell me was
“allergies”. Apparently not. There
are more, active tumors in my spine and sacrum, which have become
excruciatingly painful. It has become very difficult to walk and sit in
particular positions. If you’ve ever had bone pain, you know how ugly it is.
I was told the next step was chemotherapy (again) to which I
said, “no”. I’m done with chemotherapy, which will hold off the inevitable for
a mere three to four months while making me feel subhuman.
So, I signed up for home hospice yesterday. I met with a
very nice Austrian lady named Esther who got me some very lovely meds that made
my pain disappear and made me into a much more pleasant person.
It took me a day or two to come to terms with it – I was sad
and confused and afraid and angry, and wondering how in the world this
happened, and how did it happen so fast? I’m coming around, though, and hope to
be able to spend good time with family and friends.
Until “D-day” I hope to keep up my blog. I’d like to
document my dying days to help people (all of whom will die some day) have and
idea of what goes through someone’s mind and body as it slows down and dies.
At this point, I’m happy and at peace with having made this
decision. There’s something of a relief to it, not having to make any more big
treatment decisions that could change my life in horrible ways.
I hope you that if any of you have this choice to make, that
yours is made with such peace.
