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Thursday, March 20, 2014

Reflections, Reconsiderations, and Eating Crow

Recently, I found out that I have 30 spots of cancer in my brain and that they are growing – slowly – but still growing.

My option?  Whole Brain Radiation. The queen bee of things I’ve been dreading and hoping that I would never be asked to consider. I used to believe that if it ever actually became a thing that I had to do, I would absolutely refuse and accept death.

Life is funny, the way it works to make you feel like a boob.

In the recent past, and in this blog even, I have spoken about people who take horrible treatments and who fight to the bitter end as if their decision was stupid. Well, I can say now that that came from a place that was puffed up, prideful,  terribly short-sighted and not at all compassionate.

The truth is that when my reality involves and “okay, you can go through potentially horrible treatment, OR you can die in fairly short order in a horrible way,” I choose the potentially horrible treatment that terrifies me. Not because I am brave, but because I am afraid. Going through treatment I believe, although billed as the nobler and braver choice, is truly the opposite. Saying no to treatment and facing death – that’s absolute bravery.

I hear this song in my head (totally unrelated to the tumors):

Cowardly, cowardly custard!
Can’t cut the mustard!

So now I eat my crow. I can’t not do it - the radiation. I’m not ready to die yet. So I understand now. Why people keep seeking treatment. They’re not ready, either.

At what point (if any), I will be ready, I don’t know.

In the meantime, WBR, here I come.

1 comment:

  1. Its OK Ruth. I have told my children (who are all in their twenties) I will not have 1 more brain surgery. They all were like, Maaaaaaaaaaa you cant give up. So I won't. I'll do what I can until they tell me nothing more can be done. And yet I know there is a God and a Heaven that will be beautiful. Being afraid doesn't mean I have no faith.