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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Round Four ... *whimper

Last Friday was round four of terrible, awful chemotherapy. I'm not sure what went wrong or, more fairly, what went differently from the last three times, but boy was I out of it. The first couple days it was the usual fatigue and falling asleep sitting up while everyone watches me drool into my lap while they snap photos for their Facebook accounts. Day three, however, led to a high level of nausea and several bouts of vomiting, followed by more sitting-up-sleeping and drooling. I feel a bit better today, but I'm not sure what happened - why the difference from previous rounds - I tried to keep up on the anti-nausea pills and get out and walk, drink plenty of fluids, blah, blah, blah. I'm hoping that this doesn't mean that following rounds will be even more unpleasant.

On a more sad note, there are a number of cancer-related blogs that I follow and things aren't exactly rosy in cancer-blog world. Deaths and decisions to stop treatment seem to be peaking in number and with them, the sadness of those of us left behind in Cancer World to wonder if and when it will be our turn to make those sorts of decisions and write those final blog posts.

K├╝bler-Ross is the one who came up with the stages of grief and honestly, I sure wish that it was a more linear process. There are sometimes I think I have come to some sort of peaceful idea about death and can sit on it peacefully for quite some time, but inevitably, it slides back into some sort of frightened panic of one degree or another. Why can't I just stay with acceptance, even if I have what could be a significant portion of time left?

"What a treasure I have in this wonderful peace, buried deep in the heart of my soul, so secure that no power can take it away, while the years of eternity roll." - Warren Cornell

Forgive my dip into Methodism.

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